I don't know what I'm going to say yet, so I'm just letting my fingers do the talking for me. Recently I have had another bout with mania and the doctors keep telling me that depression will follow. I say screw you, you don't know me and am yet to cross that bridge.
I think that every bout brings me closer to my true self and as of late, the doctors have decided to trust me more than ever. They are actually listening to what I have to say rather than forcing unwanted drugs down my throat with the help of my family and friends.
It is very freeing and scary at all the same time. I have precautionary meds and others if I so choose to take them, but my doctor says that it all lies with me. He told me that clean living would be my best option, but if that's my new life, I don't want it.
I like my vices. I love beer and pot and know what to expect from them. They calm me down and only once in a blue moon do I get really drunk, but that is usually because I'm having too much damn fun. I know people say that isn't possible, but too much of anything can turn bad.
I have a lot of room to grow and lots of space left. I'm only thirty one and have a small business in Mexico that I need to go back to soon. My family wants me to stay here because they are scared of what the mania can do.
I know it affects my decisions and thought process. It speed everything up and can make things very chaotic, but somehow through my rapid thought process, I am able to make more sense out of the chaos than anyone I know.
It's my dragon that needs to be slayed, but I have no idea how to slay it. It has brought me some fantastic life changes in the past and has restructured everything in my life, usually for the better once I come to and am able to put out the fires that I started.
I know I'm just one man, but my plans to change the world are tangible and make complete sense. I have a one, five, ten, and twenty year plan to implement the changes and have plenty of time to do it. My mania tends to come about when I feel like there is no way to help now.
Once I change into my manic self all of that goes away and it feels like one man can change the world in an instant. When I come to, I go back to my long term plans. All I know is that the world hasn't gone to complete shit yet and until it does, I need to focus on being patient (not my best virtue).
So that is what I have for my ramblings today. If anyone has any input that is interesting, helpful, or funny, I'm all ears. I am not in the mood for an article, but if you insist that it is worth my time, I will take your word for it and do my best to read or watch whatever you post.
Thanks for everything you've taught me and peace, love, and all that good noise to all of you willing to accept it.
I truly do love you all, even if I don't like you sometimes.
Nick
Moon's getting full again. At least that's what stirs me up more. All that other stuff too, but I'm STARTING to be more patient now... At 41 years in this incarnation. I get riled up by too much partying as well. But enough blunts or related just make me sleepy. I say go with it and go into it more!
Lovin ya, brother
Hi Nick,
I hope you do what's best for you in the long run. Listen to that voice inside that is your own best parent (that's what guides me best at times when I'm not sure what to do).
Wendy
Wait until you're 54. Your body and mind don't operate the same. I don't get wound up and anxious the way i did in my 20's and 30's and even 40's/ You have a number of things to look forward to. I noticed when I was about 40 that my mind became sharper and calmer and I mentioned this to a friend who happened to be a clinical psychologist/therapist. She said yes- men in their 40's have these things improve. Generally, elderly people report feelings of happiness and satisfaction-usually more so than at any other times so... as you get older, things get better too. I get it about having clarity of mind and not wanting meds to interfere-it's a universal thing-everybody feels that way. So know that if you do decide to take meds, you're in good company on that point. Good fortune and luck to you!
Nick, whether up or down I ask what soul lesson is in this or what is my lesson at this time. I do less damage that way. Then instead of jumping head first into a raging river I listen for a while. If a message comes, I honor it enough to pay attention and feel what it makes me feel- in my gut, my heart and my head. (If all three are in agreement, I know I'm 'getting' the lesson I need.)
If blackness comes, I let it come, I let it move through me, try to identify the lesson in it as well and then like the river, I allow the emotion to be washed away. I try not to act, until I understand what part of me I'm acting from. None of it good or bad (judging yourself is as unneccessary and unproductive as judging others), and none of it unimportant-all parts of me that I'm working on understanding.
As to mania-one man's mania is another's genius. All in how you use it. Peace to you. kristyne
I just discovered the work of Dr. Bradley Nelson. He says that many of us have trapped emotions which unconsciously create physical symptoms. Many times we create "heart walls" to protect ourselves from emotional trauma, but years later, they can manifest into all types of symptoms that interfere with our quality of life. These trapped emotions can easily be removed - either by a practioner or ourselves - with just a little practice.
Dr. Nelson has many videos on Youtube to get you started.