The Hierarchy Invades My Childhood

As a result of further pondering the WingMakers' empowering emphasis on moving beyond hierarchical ways of living, at one point this year I sat down and wrote about my own most significant encounters with the hierarchy in my younger years. I particularly remember one disturbing incident from when I was about 11 years old and living in northern New Jersey. At that time, my friend and schoolmate Matt Dillon introduced me to a "special friend" of his who ran a huge amusement park north of Bayonne.

I was invited to become a "special friend" of this smooth-talking man, who I would guess was in his 30s. He explained to me that anyone who became his "special friend" was given free access to his amazing amusement park and all the great rides at all times. The only condition was that they would have to do whatever he said.

Though initially reluctant, after this guy applied subtle pressure several times, I eventually agreed to his invitation. But as soon as he then said I had to suck his cock, I almost vomited and managed to get out of there right away. I moved away not long afterward and I can only sadly imagine what happened to Matt.

How interesting that I never told anyone about this experience until this year. I never even talked to Matt about it afterward, even though he was right there. How different my life might have been if I had agreed, or if this man had used force to get me to become his friend. To how many children does this kind of thing happen? Did you have any experiences like this? Let's bring these things out into the open so that we can more powerfully transform our world.

With lots of love and warm support,
Fred

Max's picture

How very interesting, Fred. I was probably about 13 when this happened and I simply had not remembered the event until reading your post. Like you, I never told anyone about it.

I was baby sitting for one of my Girl Scout leaders and had fallen asleep on the couch while the kids napped. I woke up to a husband trying to kiss me and making "remarks". He had come home for something or other during his lunch hour.

I don't know how I did this at 13, but I remember looking him straight in the eye and saying "These are your kids. I am going home." I wish I knew why I never told anyone. Thank you for bringing this up. Much love from Max.

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fredburks's picture

Wow, Max. I wonder what might have happened if you had not had such a strong will. Thanks so much for sharing that. By making it OK to talk about such things, I know we can shift the energy around it. You take care!

With sacred love flowing,
Fred

andrey's picture

Back when I was nine or ten I had a friend at the summerhouse. He was the only one my age (a year older), so he was pretty much my only friend there for the summer. He wanted to touch my genitals and for me to do the same to him. I felt uncertain about it, because somehow I knew it was "not acceptable". It felt strange, but we ended up touching each other. He didn't want to be my friend if we didn't - that part didn't feel good. I can't say it was particularly traumatizing, since it was before puberty and we didn't get even aroused - it just felt like something odd and unusual. There was some shame around it for sure, as my great grandmother almost found us.

Weird stuff, I certainly wish there was more sexual education in Russia. When I was going through puberty I thought there was something "wrong" with me, as I had no idea what the bodily changes were about. I was wondering if I had some kind of illness, and there was no one to tell me that being aroused is completely normal. Lots of shame and self-denial in those years simply because of lack of basic education.

Another time I had an experience with this "healer" guy who while doing Reiki was starting to touch my penis. I told him to stop, and he did. I walked away and didn't talk to him again. He got kicked out of the Ashram where I used to live for doing that to someone else. I actually felt kind of good about the experience - saying what I don't feel comfortable with.

Being on the other side doesn't feel so good either. Being possessed with a desire that takes you out of integrity. I've been there, though usually had enough shame about it to prevent me from doing anything. Feeling drawn to someone so much, but her not feeling the same way. Attraction, attachment, mind consumed by a desire - it's all pretty blinding. Gives tunnel vision. Loose perspective.

Best,
Andrey.

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fredburks's picture

Wow! Thank you all for such deep sharing. I'm sending love to those parts of you that might still feel wounded or hurt in some way. I love you. I'm sorry that I/we somehow created this. Please forgive me/us. Thank you for being who you are.

I would venture to guess that almost all of us have stories like this. How refreshing to be able to talk about it openly and feel supported by each other. Thank you my dear friends for being such a wonderful support in my life and so supportive to each other. I love our community!!!

With sacred love flowing,
Fred

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fredburks's picture

Wow, Cindy!!! What a powerful story! How amazing that you were still able to hold a sacred space within yourself even in the midst of that intense violation! Let us all join in sending this energetic information out to all who are abused. You don't have to give up your own will and essence. There is always a place for you deep within, where we are connecting with you in love even now.

I worked as a nurse on a locked psychiatric ward with emotionally damaged teenagers for several years. The majority of them had suffered sexual abuse, while the remainder suffered from physical or emotional abuse. It brings sadness to my heart to talk about such things, yet how much better to talk about them than to ignore them.

So many of these kids feel so alone in their suffering and grow up to be lonely adults. May they feel the sacred love we are sending out even now to them. Thanks to all on this wonderful team for helping to heal our world and invite all around us back into their own beautiful divinity. 

With sacred love flowing,
Fred

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davelambert's picture

My original comment was going to be to ask you to elucidate, Fred, on what you mean by using the word hierarchy in this context. Then I began to read everyone's experiences and realized that this is one of the many ways in which so many of us become walking wounded. And I'm filled with admiration with the way so many - especially females - overcome some of the truly disgusting ways in which people cross boundaries they know perfectly well they shouldn't.

People have always talked to me for some reason. They confide in me. And so there have been several times, maybe half a dozen over the years, when a woman whom I did not know especially well - certainly not intimately - has told me of an episode in her past when she was either raped or abused. And it makes me realize that I must know many women who have undergone such things - those who would never dream of mentioning such a thing to a comparative stranger. This is heartbreaking. How is it possible for anyone to experience sex and not realize that it has a spiritual and even sacred aspect? I knew this from the very first. If it didn't prevent me from a certain amount of promiscuity, it certainly tempered it.

Me, I've been hit on by both men and women. Men don't appeal to me in that way, women do. What can I say? There's no need to define it in terms of right and wrong. As a child, I was never molested but I learned as an adult that my father had molested one of my sisters. He like to beat me, but apparently he touched her in an entirely different way. I remember a sadistic teenager at the end of the block when I was around 6 or 7. His younger sister used to play with my kid sister, and from things Patty taught me behind the doghouse, I know now that the brother was raping her. The kid's name was Berndt. The mother, a young and pretty divorcee who was seldom home, was German. Berndt caught me once and after terrorizing me with his German shepherd, tied me up in their garage, where I remained for several hours until I could work myself free and escape. I don't think I was ultimately traumatized by the event. I remember childhood as a magical time, full of wizardry and magic, which wouldn't be complete without some dragons to slay. This was one of the few cases when my father killed the dragon by storming down there and raising hell when he heard what happened.

 

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