Feeling sadness

Beloved TT friends,

I'm feeling quite sad right now about the amount of blaming, divisiveness, and even lack of respect that has gone on at times in our portal. Though there are clearly many wonderful things going on here, too, I've had to let go of my dream of what could have been. It's clear that my leadership role here (which I've done my best to minimize) is not valued by a number of members. I sincerely apologize for any way I may have disempowered or disrespected any of you.

It's amazing to me that even this wonderful group of people who I know are deeply committed to transformation through love and empowerment are not able to consistently communicate from a place of love and support. I feel like I better understand now why the world is in its current state. If we can't do it, how can we hope that our world's leaders, who in general are much less committed to transformation than we are, can do it?

One particularly sad thing for me is that it seems the loudest voices are sometimes the most critical, which seems to cause some of the softer, more supportive voices to retreat. Andrey, Beth, and I have felt exceedingly little support and compassion for the difficult decisions we've had to make regarding Riversong and other matters. Even if people felt that we made the wrong decisions, it would be nice if more than just one or two TT members had some compassion and acknowledged that we are trying our best to do what we believe is best for our fledgling community.

There is clearly some deep work in myself I need to do on this. It's a powerful opportunity to use ho'oponopono and breathe sacred love with all of you. I am thankful to know without a doubt that this is potent material for personal growth for me. You take care, and may we find ever more ways to move from love and support in our communications.

With love, sadness, and warm wishes,

P.S. Many thanks to those who have expressed some compassion.

Berry's picture

Dear beloved friend Fred,

May I be the first to respond to your message of pain and dissappointment and that with the deepest expression of unconditional love and acceptance and understanding.  I for one, can appreciate the place in which you sometimes find yourself, that of being in between the rock and the hard place, or as the C/W song went "I'm the windshield-your the bug".  Forgive my levity, but as I have been saying over and over again, "quit taking things so personally!"

This wonderful group of people are for the most part, guided and directed by a Higher Source.  They/we sometimes miss the mark (please catch the reference).   We are still 3D humans striving as best we can to achieve that Transformation to a Higher level of consciousness where we don't have to deal with  all the anger, misconception, misinterpretation, fear, offense, and all the other negative emotions and conditions that this 3D existance allows and provides us.  We as a group are a beautiful coming together of spiritual beings,,,, evolving and ascending individuals who can and do share love, forgiveness, thanksgiving and most of all a vision of Oneness with All That Is. 

I see at this very moment, a movement of reconciliation between so many of us and a vision of accelerated creation of Oneness and Love and Unity within the community.  Open your heart, mind and eyes and let the vibrations of love and unity wash around you Fred. We do all send our breath of love to you with thanks and appreciation.

Peace, Love and Light,


Hey Fred,

I really appreciate all that Andrey, Beth and yourself have done in creating this place for us.

As one of those who has not always managed to stay in a place of love on open portal I sincerley appologise to you all, I have meant no dis-respect to any of you or anyone else here.

I wish you well and thank you for all that you do for me........

With love,


JoyAnna's picture

Don't give up now, Fred. We're finally just getting started good. Yes, this place has resembled all that we want to transform at times, but it seems to me we are about to get down to our real work and intentions. No one said it would be easy, remember? You started this whole thing on a dream, and maybe your version of that dream was a bit idealistic or unrealistic in thinking/hoping that everyone managing to complete the course would automatically be ready and ABLE to get on with the work we have to do. As Berry just said, we are still in 3D but we were drawn to come here, and we are all learning and transforming ourselves -- or we won't stay here. It feels to me that we are breaking through the disharmony now and will continue to carve out our identity to accomplish what we set out to do. So, take heart, your dream is not dead, we all love and appreciate all you have done. Now, please, put all your spirit and love into the task we all share with you.

With Sacred flowing AT you,


maryc's picture

I thank you from the bottom (top&middle) of my heart for creating this cyber utopia.....as Berry mentioned it is inhabited by humans,who err,and learn as we go. I am all for your dream,and hope I can do my part to make it so. Do not loose hope, dear ones.......the quiet voices praise you the loudest. For any part I may have played in your disappointment ,I most humbly say I am truly sorry. Remember that the most painful times teach us the biggest lessons......this has been a painful time here. I trust that we have all learned a lot about ourselves,and each other. We are all ONE. Love, and a GREAT BIG HUG, Mary

fredburks's picture

Thank you so much to all of you. Your words mean a lot to me. I have not lost hope. It's only a matter of getting more realistic and realizing that there are more rich challenges and much still to be transformed on all levels -- personal, global, and in this community. Despite having felt judged at times by a few people here, I do feel incredibly blessed to have such a rich abundance of warm, caring people coming together in this space with the very best intentions for our lives and world. You are gems in my life.

With love overflowing and deep gratitude,

--- Post removed at author's request ---

onesong's picture

I've been away. The past month has been hectic and the few times I've been able to stop in and glance thru things

in the portal what I found had a definite sense of discord and so to be honest it has been easier to stay away.

After having read Fred's letter I realize maybe that has been the wrong thing. One thing I learned very early on the web is that there always seems to be a faction of folk who only join a site, chat, etc to be the discordant chord.

I dont know what occurred with the above mentioned individual so I won't comment there.

IRL I am much too busy doing the work, to allow the portal to be of more importance than a place to share loving transformational news, thoughts and simply to be a support to others on their path. This past month for me, has been the completion of 5 years working toward my own ministry, having the final tests these past four weeks-in June I will be ordained. I have passed minor tests. Now the tests of real life will bring my work to me.

So now the very real work begins. I am an outreach minister, my church is the world, my religion that of one God. Good bad or ugly-all peoples are my people and all a reflection of what lives or has the potential to live within me.

We are mirrors for each other to see the lessons we must see. Many lessons are not easy ones.

To Fred, Andrey and Beth, you are doing what you are meant to do. You have provided a wonderful healing space for

sharing and transformation if others wish it to be so. You have the power to remove the privilege of someone abusing it, and for the sake of a peaceful community that is apparently still a necessary thing in this virtual world.

One of the lessons we all must learn (and hopefully soon) is to be the peace amidst this world of chaos and to genuinely know we own it. And so I whisper it on the wind, through each corner of our splendid portal.

Peace, peace, peace, and I breathe sacred love, I honor those here that hear the call. I thank you for the energy spent attempting to share this. I honor each of us, and all our relations. I pray for those whom do not yet understand how urgently our world needs each seed of light that we have and will plant this and every day. Many blessings.

onesong aka song_onthewind aka a child of the I AM aka just a woman being peace.

With infinite love breathed to  in and through all of you.  kristyne



rovin's picture

Dearest Fred, it's hard to know what to say.  I express my profound gratitude for all the work done by yourself, Audrey and Beth.  Yes we are human, all to human.  We can inspire, dissappoint, love have, create, destroy, be at peace, be at war, be happy, be sad all of this duality expresses two sides of the same coin.  3D experience is duality.  Out of your sadness growth will occur.  Perhaps we are truly blessed (as painful as this has been for you) that we have gone through this all together with profound integrity on your behalf.  You have remained open, caring, compassionate, and truthful during these difficult times.  You know I wanted to cut and run but the love that was beamed out to me was like a tractor beam drawing me back.  I standing in my I AM presence stream love to you, to Audrey, Beth and those others wearyed by recent experiences the infinite love of the divine consciousness that may re-invigorate, refocus and  empower you in your service of the highest good.  And it is so, as one, Rob.

UrsulaD's picture

to all the wise and loving comments made on this page.

Fred, Andrey and Beth, you know you have my support otherwise I would not still be guiding people through the lessons. I believe in this Team and I very strongly believe in the Course you have so lovingly and carefully crafted together. I have met so many wonderful people moving through the course and seen the way they have blossomed and gained new insights.

It is not easy to have to be the one to put your foot down when somebody is clearly disruptive and downright rude. Here in my country we actually call it 'having bad manners', yes, we still believe in them!

The past few months have been a great learning curve, for me anyway. I have had to examine my motives and my intentions, look at them clearly and with honesty and draw conclusions. Challenges are what allow all of us to grow and to look at our own shadows in the process.

We all have different opinions at times and different ways of doing things, and you know what? That is actually also great. To accept that we do not all have to think and act the same and to allow another to be, that to me is being non-judgmental and then, for me, the point is to let it go and to move on.

The past is over, we cannot change it, we can only learn and grow from it.

With love to you Fred, Andrey and Beth, as always


  And to all those holding this energetic space of community...I applaude you and remind you of the dynamics of any group, no matter how seemingly highly evolved, there will be the clashes of ideology. We are humans navigating this thinning line between the relative world and the absolute creative energy.

  I participate in a virtual Buddhist sangha and there are often very lively discussions between the earlier teachings of the Buddha, the Pali Canon of the Theravada teaching of a pragmatic and ethical life versus the later teachings that infiltrated Tibet as the Mahayana and the Vajrayana. These later sutras deal with everything arising from the ground of being and the nonduality as evidenced by the inherent emptiness of all experience. And energy is energy as "crazy wisdom".

  I try to balance this with the behavior in the TT community and feel the critical mass building like energy imploding and however that manifests individually, it is still the group energy. I understand there are those who hold the space for all of this to evolve and they must set guidelines and make decisions to maintain this and that ethics are paramount. Thank you all for doing the tough work.  Now, for me, no matter how uncomfortable the emotional energy may feel, I try to just swim in it and be with it intimately as in the end, it is my own. That is Vajrayana...the immediate path.

  I write all this in gratitude for those leaders holding us dearly while we vocalize, dance, cry and slam our fists in our unique style of embracing the energy of this community that ultimately is creative energy of transcendence manifesting in us and the world we live in.

Deepest Gratitude,


Bodhi's picture


I too am feeling sadness.

Sadness that Fred, Beth, and Andrey are taking the heat for doing their level best to defend their dream, making the Portal a safe, supportive, and loving place for all of us.

Sadness that folks like Riversong, Stefa, and Dave, are taking the heat for doing their level best to defend their dream, making the Portal a safe place to speak our truth, even when it is discordant, unpopular, and difficult to hear.

Sadness that people on the sidelines are jumping in to cast those who dare speak dissent into the box of "misfit."

I am holding the vision that we will all of us learn to embrace fully our sadness, our pain, our shadows, and move therefrom likewise fully into our power-- loving all and one another gently and with great heart.

I am sending you the gift of sun, moon, and all the stars. May its majesty help you to see how insignifcant our differences are in the light of our infinite, unified, and perfected being.

If we put a drop of water on a rock in the sunshine, it will soon
evaporate. But in the ocean, it will never be lost.
-- Pema Chodron

fredburks's picture

Hi Kristyne,

Thank you for your kind, compassionate words. I know there are many wonderful, deeply loving people like you here and want to find ever more ways to support you and your powerful work of spreading love and understanding in our world. A big congratulations on your work as an outreach minister. I know you are touching the lives of many in a very meaningful way. Thank you for being a stand for deeper connection and love.

With abundant love and warm wishes,

fredburks's picture

Rob, I want you to know that your decision first to leave and then come back after receiving those beams of love was very inspiring for me. It gave me hope that beneath it all there is a whole lot of love wanting to be shared here. I am already feeling much better today, and this thread has given me renewed hope. Thanks so much to you and to all who have commented here for your warm words of support. With love and joy, Fred

fredburks's picture

Thank you Bodhi, especially for the reminder that we are all doing our level best. I do know that everyone here, including Riversong, was and is doing the best they can with what they've got. May we all renew our commitment to gently but firmly stop any disempowering behavior while understanding that the person displaying such behavior is doing their best and may be responding to things we don't understand. Let us honor every person here and in the world, no matter how destructive their behavior may appear, as a beautiful soul expressing an aspect of the divine interconnectedness of us all. I'm feeling my connection wtih all of you and with all beings quite open and strong right now. Thank you.

With infinite love and gratitude,

windbear's picture

--- Post removed at author's request ---

cathymoore's picture

Dearest Ones,

I am reminded of a saying from A Course in Miracles.



In my readings of past and current posts, this has been my guiding thought.

Fred, I thank you for your expressions of sadness and I rejoice in everyone's answering your call.

I honor everyone on this portal as a unique expression of a part of me.

Through this past week, I have done much deep reflection and realized much growth that would not have occurred had there not been both love and calls to love present in this portal.

In deepest appreciation for each of you that is a mirror of me..................Cathy

ChrisBowers's picture

Hey Fred,

The following rushed through me like so many things lately during this time when so many of us are experiencing a heightened sense of awareness and constant rush of pertinent information to guide us.  We live in absolutely amazing times my friend!!!!  The following came as a message to be delivered to you, but is so ubiquitous and cathartic that I wish to place it here for all to read.

Dear Fred, something the Dog Whisperer said about how dogs are always in the present moment made me think of some available relief for you (for all of us at any time, really).  From our correspondence I know you have been heavy with concern of late and this just might help lift some of that perceived heaviness.  You might list all your concerns and emotions you have been feeling lately and then do that little ritual of burning the list as a very lucid and comforting reminder that they are never real, nor can we ever make them be.  Like a very powerful "acid trip", they are simply common attributes of a very engaged egoic thought pattern or patterns that love to revel in the misery of all those thoughts, feelings and perceived "concerns", but wait, there's more (actually less!).

Pure Consciousness (arguably all there really is) is never ever concerned about ANYTHING!  That is a fundamental constant that will never change.  Reminds me of all the near death experiences where people come back unable to fully express how beautiful, warm, safe and comforting was/is the place/light they found themselves immersed in.  That "place" they experienced is complete and utterly void of concern and is the very same place we have our Being in now, in this present moment!  There IS no other place to be - only illusions that serve to mask this "place" which our ego uses in it's desperate search for autonomy and self authorship.

Your particular "chosen" concerns weighing on your mind are not part of that very real and unassailable eternal present moment of Now, nor can they ever be.  Allow your spirit to be lifted by this utterly undeniable Truth!!!!  Allow your mind to be free of them to avail yourself to the better answers and solutions that come when we do so.  Your want to hold "concerns" dear is never the real you.  You can say it is all you want to, but it does not make it so.

In my experience (and who can't relate to this?), when I take myself too seriously, I purposefully make my life's journey difficult, by willful design, by entertaining old cherished thought patterns, and at some point in this insane process I have to ask myself, "Why would I ever choose to serve and grovel and worship in grief and sorrow at the non-existent feet of my own illusions?"  "Why would I ever choose to do that to myself?"  When approached dispassionately and reasonably, it is quite easily recognized as utterly insane, and yet we all find ourselves doing it from time to time.

"Concerns" are the willful ramblings of our very vivid 4D holographic computer's imagination.  We began by knowing ourselves very well while playing games in this 3D physical world, and then slowly we begin to believe we ARE the 3D physical world around us and our physical bodies.  I know you already know all of this.  Sometimes we just need a simple reminder from loved ones.

There is no valid concern in the present moment.  That is a universal and unalterable reality, and the present moment is all we ever have!  Therefore, there is NEVER a valid concern.  Now notice how quick thoughts go to the fore to argue that universal truth!  Clarity for good and peaceful decision making can be discovered in that very real unconcerned present moment if one can find a way through all concerns that mean to block the way to that very real place.  It becomes absolutely hilarious if we allow it to be!  Take yourself too seriously and you only reinforce a false concept of your "Being" that does not and never can exist.

I can only hope this, in some small way, will help you put all of this in perspective and put off the very unreal heavy chains you feel the "perceived" weight of recently, and aid the decision making process you find yourself fully engaged in right now.

My True Self cannot possibly BE or FEEL threatened

My True Self has no sense of concern

My True Self has no dog in this fight!

My True Self is constant, serene, Love and Light

My True Self is never past or future where all my thoughts "lie"!

My True Self is always Now!

My True Self is One forever

My True Self is never confused about "why" or "how"!

For us to see and experience a "present moment" we must be present......

Love, Chris

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