1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show
you A-flat miner.
9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
10. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in
Linoleum Blownapart.
12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
13. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
15. A calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
18. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
20. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
22. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
24. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
28. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message,
but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Love it, Lightwins!!!!
Have copied and pasted to my friends.
Love U
haha....this was pretty funny. I heard Groucho Marx in my head...
Thanks.
Misty
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Very cool!.......
Thanks for that!
With love
Jez
Oh, thanks for the great laugh. I love it and like Ursula, I am sending to all my friends who will enjoy it too. This is sharing.
L&L
Berry
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed-Up about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP ,When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP .!
A hot cuppa kona made her moanin'
Chuck d. Fildren
paid for by fiends of "Slave the Children",
a GOP faith-based outreach to those in greed
Now ya got everybody doin' it......
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Dear One, This is awesome. Maybe we are just trained not to think about what we're saying! Love,Mary
I sucked up the info on up. Love it John. Thank you for the addition and the laughs. It made me think of a limerick from Ogeden Nash ( I believe?):
A flea and a fy in a flu
Were stuck so what could they do,
Said the flea let us fly,
Let us fly said the flea
So they fled through a flaw in the flu.
I pity any poor soul trying to learn English. What a jumble of lexicography!
L&L
With much glee
Berry
Hey Jim,
That is all so cool!.....up....I had never focused on it or noticed it before......it is a wierd word?
can I just add....
A koala bear is not a bear!.....lol..
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
So how come we park in driveways
and drive on parkways?
go figure,
Tricia