George Carlin -- One Liners


GEORGE CARLIN

(1937-2008)

Incredible One-Liners!

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the
sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we
still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she
told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his
hands with soap?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...
is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens
to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what
they do "practice"?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it
all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish
his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they
afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless
or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he
has the right to remain silent?

21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through
bank machines?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow
road sign?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk
about other people.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest
drown, too?

27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still
be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you
done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to
have a "S" in it?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because
of that song?

31. If the "black box" flight recorder is never
damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole
airplane made out of that stuff?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three
times, does he become disoriented?

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